Spicy Avocado Toast (aka My New Obsession)

I have been eating this literally every morning for breakfast this week. It’s even better than the original avocado toast recipe. I kid you not. This also passes for a fucking awesome (and quick) dinner, which is helpful when you have many drink dates set up with crazy people from Tinder. It never ends.

I learned the term “Tinder Fatigue” this week. I was talking to this guy on the app about how overwhelming it can be to online date. Now, we had been having some decent conversation for about a week. I felt fairly comfortable talking to him about this. He didn’t seem like a dick. But he was just not understanding. Like, he thought everything was easy and fun. Sigh. Dudes – am I right? So I finally said to him, “Okay, just tell me then… how many matches do you have right now? I don’t mean just the people you’re actually talking to… but how many are in your full list of matches?”

“Eight,” He replied.

Well, shit. This guy has no clue. NONE.

Now I’m faced with a dilemma… do I lie? Do I somehow break it to him gently? How is this going to go? I’m a terrible liar, even via text, so I opt for the truth. I have 41 matches (which has only increased since having this conversation). You know what his first question was?

“So how many hook ups have you had on here?”

Sighhhhhh. So when I match with guys on Tinder… I’m fairly certain that 80% of them are swiping right on nearly every single woman they see. This means I am forced to sift through the pile of dudes. Fuck. I don’t want to waste my time sifting through a pile of assholes. Wouldn’t it just be easier for everyone involved if we read each other’s profiles and swiped accordingly? The profiles are literally less than 500 characters.

Several people have told me to join OkCupid. I thought it might be better because they match you with people based on about a million questions. One of the first things I did was check the “no babies” box, and then, just to be very clear, write in my profile that I don’t want kids. I love that they ask questions and give me a match percentage on OkCupid, but I absolutely fucking hate that they allow anyone and everyone to message me. I signed up for it, and then forgot about it for about a week. By the time I signed in again, I had 311 “likes” and 56 messages. Fuck. I scrolled through it for 2 minutes before closing the whole thing in a panic. I could not process that many people trying to talk to me. I couldn’t even look at their profiles. The whole thing was just too much. I waited a few days before trying again. I braced myself and signed in only to find even more messages (many along the lines of, “Hey, sexy/baby/sweetie/cutie/beauty/etc” or “You have a beautiful smile/hot body.” Gag). Before tackling the messages, I decided to fill out my profile more. At least now the messages are from people that somewhat make sense to me. Everyone else just gets blocked immediately. I’ve blocked so many fucking people.

The first Bumble date I ever had messaged me on OkCupid the other day. We went on one date 6 months ago that lasted about an hour. He bailed out of there so quickly that I just assumed he wasn’t interested. I wasn’t really either, so no hard feelings. Never heard from him again. Suddenly he’s interested? He’s all, “I really wanted to make out with you, but you didn’t seem into it.” Well, I wasn’t. And neither were you, because you bailed the moment our drinks were finished. He seemed to think we were going to reconnect. WTF? We literally met in person for one hour, and had nothing in common. Why the fuck would I want to see him again?

What is wrong with people?

I do have hope, though. I’m talking to a couple people that seem like decent human beings. I mean, for now. They’ll probably all ghost me, and/or be shocked that I don’t want children (and then ghost me).

One person even made it to 3 dates. That seems to be my max, though, so we’ll see if I ever hear from him again. He probably didn’t realize I don’t want to breed with him, and once he realizes he’ll ghost me and/or act appalled. I mean, how is he supposed to know when there are a full 4 sentences in my profile?

Goddammit, people – read my fucking profile.

Spicy Avocado Toast

1 slice sourdough bread

1 egg

1/4 to 1/2 avocado, thinly sliced

Red pepper flakes

Arugula

Olive oil

Hot sauce

Salt and pepper

Bring a pot of water to a boil and slowly lower in an egg. Let it boil for about 6 minutes (it’ll be runny in the middle). While it’s boiling, take your toast and layer with the avocado slices. Sprinkle some red pepper flakes on top, along with some salt. Drizzle with olive oil, and add as much hot sauce as you like. Top it with the arugula and a soft boiled egg. Use your fork to break up the egg a little bit, spreading it around evenly. Add some salt and pepper and shovel into your face. Eat this for all your meals because you can’t bring yourself to cook more than that, and you’re too busy going on many dates. When you’re done eating, collapse from exhaustion.