Asian food · Dating · dinner · easy · lunch · mushrooms · pasta · quick · Sauces · Stir-fry · vegan · vegetarian

Asian Noodle Stir Fry

So this recipe was originally labeled as “ramen,” but I thought that was doing a disservice to ramen everywhere. I couldn’t call it that… that’s not what it is. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s fucking delicious. But it is not, by any means, ramen. Ramen is that beautifully and painstakingly crafted soup with the pork or beef broth and the soft boiled egg on top that you lovingly stir in until it melts and becomes one with the broth. Fuck. I miss ramen so much. And the pork buns that go with it. Sigh.

I repeat: This is not ramen.

I’m a lot of things, but I’m not a fucking liar.

This recipe was so much fun for me. Here in Minneapolis the weather is starting to warm up. I went shopping for this recipe on one of the first nice days of the season, which meant walking around my neighborhood enjoying the “warm” breeze on my face (Minnesotans in the spring have a pretty fucked up view of what is warm). I have 2 Asian markets within a couple blocks of my apartment, and I almost never visit them. Seems silly, since they both contain mochi… my one and only true love. I got to visit both while shopping for this blog post… only because I ran out of arms to carry all the delicious bottles of sauces at the first one, and I couldn’t find a fucking basket. Rather than be a normal human and ask, I just purchased what I could carry and left. This included an impromptu box of mochi, obviously. Not just regular mochi… but mochi fucking rolls. This was very exciting. I ate all of them in 2 days. I’m not sorry.

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So I bought all my shit… from 2 separate Asian markets… and commenced to cooking (in a borrowed wok because I’m a disaster). This was so fucking easy and fast! Go make it right now. You’re welcome.

Dating update: Sighhhhhh. I’m so embarrassed. So I went out with this guy a few weeks ago. We went out for drinks, and then later on the same day (but after leaving and having dinner with friends), he invited me over to his apartment to play Super Mario 2 on the Wii. If you’ve ever played Mario with me… you kind of see where this is going. It’s like I have fucking Tourette’s Syndrome or some shit. I literally cannot stop the swear words from leaving my mouth every time I play any Mario game. I warned him ahead of time… he was cool with it. I even kept it fairly under control! And by “under control,” I mean that I didn’t string all the curse words I could think of into one long curse word this time… I just yelled out the normal ones. You know, classically appropriate language/behavior for the 1st (and a half!) date. But it doesn’t stop there. I got so riled up when I couldn’t beat one of the levels that I threw his Wii controller into his lap…. which housed a glass of beer. You see where this is going. That controller didn’t stand a chance. It landed right in his beer, completely killing the sensor (and my dignity). Luckily, this dude was really chill about it, and even thought it was funny. It took everything in me to not cry out of shame.

Since I’m a “seize the opportunity” type of person, I used this scenario to my benefit. I texted him 2 days later with a photo of the 3 different colored Wii controllers that I have, and asked which color he wanted. See what I did there? Made it all cute and shit, and snagged an excuse to text (#nailed it). Thanks to my ingenuity, we hung out again this weekend. And we played Wii again (I wore the strap at all times). In fact, I brought over a couple of controllers because I knew the only other one he had was kind of janky (and one was obviously for him to keep). Everything went well!

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That is… until I got home. I accidentally stole his janky remote because it’s the same color (pink) as my extra controller! UGH. Now it looks like I am trying to trick him into seeing me again. Fuck that shit. I don’t play those games. If you don’t want to see me, I am not here to try to convince you. But now I’m sure that’s what he thinks, because what the fuck else would he think? I mean, seriously. I texted him to let him know that I had it and that it was an accident, but I can’t say anything more than that without sounding completely nuts. FUCK. Why does this shit keep happening to me?! Goddammit. Logically, I’m like… he probably understands and it’s fine. But the other part of me is all… omg, he thinks you’re nuts and playing annoying games. And yet another part of me keeps reminding myself that this was 2.5 dates and who the fuck cares?!

Anxiety is real, y’all.

Asian Noodle Stir Fry

2 packets of instant ramen (minus the flavor packet) OR 3 squares of the vegetarian noodles from the Asian market

1.5 cups red cabbage, shredded

1 cup snow peas, sliced in half at an angle

1 carrot, julienned (lol jk, just grab a handful of matchstick carrots)

1/4 cup red bell pepper, julienned (just slice ’em however you like)

5-7 fresh shiitake mushrooms, sliced

1 cup bean sprouts

Green onion, chopped

2 cloves garlic, minced

1 tablespoon soy sauce

1 teaspoon dark soy sauce

1/2 teaspoon sugar

1/2 teaspoon sesame oil

2 tablespoons canola oil (I actually used olive oil)

1 tablespoon Shaoxing wine

Ground white pepper (I used black pepper)

Siracha

Bring 6 cups of water to a boil. Add the noodles and cook for about 45-60 seconds. Use chopsticks or a fork to break up the noodles. Drain, rinse, and set aside. Whisk together the soy sauces, sesame oil, white/black pepper, and sugar in a small bowl and set aside. In a wok over medium high heat, add the canola oil along with the garlic, cabbage, carrots, peppers, and mushrooms. Saute for a couple minutes. Next, add the Shaoxing wine and snow peas, and cook for a few more seconds. Top with the cooked noodles and sauce, tossing thoroughly. Add the bean sprouts and green onion. Serve with extra chopped green onion to make it pretty. Squirt a bunch of siracha on top, so it doesn’t matter if it’s pretty.

Don’t steal Wii remotes unless you want your date to think you’re a weirdo.

OR

Embrace the weird and hope someone likes it!

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breakfast · brunch · easy · eggs · healthy · mushrooms · quick · Rice · Stir-fry · vegetarian

Breakfast Stir-Fry

I spent last weekend in Florida visiting my snowbird mother in Naples. She’s been trying to fly me down there every 6-12 months for the last three years. I don’t know what prevented me from saying yes for so long. I guess Florida just isn’t really my thing. Which doesn’t make any sense considering how much I love the ocean. I mean, I’m constantly talking about being a mermaid with Hannah. That’s normal, right? And I always have fun when I visit my one and only friend down there. I don’t honestly know what is wrong with me. I should take my mom up on free trips to Florida more often.

On Sunday night my mom took me to her singles dance night (for seniors) at the Elk Club. My original plan was to drink my face off, but I didn’t realize I would be so hungover from drinking wine with my mom and her girlfriends the night before (we were out of hand and it was fantastic). So I had a total of two Shirley Temples, which included eight cherries, and parked myself at a table with a good view of the dance floor. I watched my mom dance with a variety of older gentlemen that had some serious moves. There was one guy in a pair of khakis and a white button down shirt, which had one too many buttons undone. He was twirling his dance partners all over the place, which made him a very popular choice among the ladies.

After the first hour or so I was getting a bit bored. While texting with a friend of mine back home, she convinced me to redownload Tinder just to see what Florida had to offer. I was reluctant, but I did it…. and I set my age range to 25-55+ (thinking the older crowd would be more entertaining, because apparently I’m a huge asshole). The most entertaining profiles were actually of younger people. Some of it was really redneck, but most of it wasn’t all that different from the people I would find in Minneapolis. However, I ended up not really needing the extra entertainment, because I was about to be twirled around the dance floor by a lovely elderly gentleman. My mom forced me to join the “mixer,” which is when the women form a circle in the middle of the dance floor and the men form a circle around them. Then the DJ plays fast music as the men and women walk in opposite directions (it’s very heteronormative). When the music slows, you grab the first man you see and slow dance for 30ish seconds. I started each and every dance with loudly announcing, “I don’t know how to dance!” Everyone was lovely, except for one creepy old man in a peach colored polo (which just seems so Florida, doesn’t it?), who insisted upon pressing his entire body against mine and even pulling my hand to his chest. Gag. Barf. He had an accent of some sort, which you could tell made him think he was a lot more irresistible than was accurate. Anyway, fuck that guy – let’s talk about Lenny. He was the fucking sweetest old man I’ve ever met in my life, and I desperately wanted him to be my dad (grandpa?). He spent a good 4-5 songs trying to teach me how to dance (I fucking hate dancing, and become painfully aware of how awkward I look doing it). He taught me a swing step and then the waltz. And he talked about this funny cat commercial he saw recently, which fucking killed me. Through the entire dance lesson, he kept counting out loud for me so that I wouldn’t lose my step. Then, when I (inevitably) tripped over my own feet and forgot where we were, he would stop, wait a beat, and start again. My heart full on exploded. Fuck.

Lenny. I’ll never forget you.

Breakfast in Florida consisted of eggs and toast every day. This is my standard Mom breakfast. It’s what she always does, and she doesn’t add veggies/avocado/rice/beans/etc. No big deal. We all like what we like, right? But I was pretty excited to cook something a little different for breakfast once I got home. So I made this breakfast stir-fry! Also, sometimes I get distracted and forget to eat all the rice in the fridge. When this happens, I make breakfast stir-fry a day or two before the rice is really going to go bad. It’s super easy, super healthy, and fucking delicious.

Breakfast Stir-Fry

2-3 button mushrooms

A few tablespoons of chopped onion

A few tablespoons of chopped bell pepper

A small handful of spinach (or any green)

1 egg

1 scoop of brown rice, cooked

Hot sauce

Salt and pepper

Olive oil or non-stick spray

In a medium skillet with olive oil or non-stick spray, saute the mushrooms, peppers, and onions over medium-high heat. Stir them once or twice and cook until they’re lightly browned. Add a little salt and pepper, along with the greens and a scoop of rice to the skillet. Reduce heat to medium-low and stir well. In another skillet, heat olive oil (or spray) over medium heat and cook your egg however you’d like (I prefer over-easy, because, let’s be real, eggs are the only food that come with their own sauce. Why would you not use that to your advantage?). Try not to break the yolk like I did. Once the rice is warm and the veggies are cooked, throw it all into a bowl. Top with your fried egg and a bunch of hot sauce. Like, a shit ton of hot sauce. Then stab the egg so the yolk gets everywhere. You’re welcome.

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And maybe let’s all stop giving Florida such a hard time.

Except I burned my scalp there, so Florida can fuck off.

 

dinner · easy · gluten free · healthy · lunch · mushrooms · quick · Rice · sides · Stir-fry · vegetarian

Veggie Stir-Fry

Have you ever gotten really drunk, and then discovered the Snapchat filters? The face-swap one in particular. I mean, I knew this existed (I don’t live under a rock), but I’d never used it before. I laughed so hard that I actually full on started crying. It was a mess.

Also, the filter that makes you more attractive? Holy shit – I’ve never been so mesmerized by my own face.

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Any one else grow up in the suburbs? I live in the city now, and am spoiled rotten when it comes to restaurants. I literally live a block off of “Eat Street.” So last night I was visiting a girlfriend in the suburbs, and we decided to go out to Red Lobster (before drinking something like 3 bottles of wine each). Now, don’t get me wrong… Red Lobster is fine. I mean, it’s food. I really wanted seafood, and we were in the burbs, so what do you do? I feel like a snobby city hipster when I say these things. Seriously… they give you a plate of food that could feed a family of 4 at least, but first they shove all those delicious cheddar biscuits down your throat. My friend and I ate like 4 bites of our actual meals. And the waitress asked if we wanted dessert. Um, no.

Of course, this meant that we had awesome drunk food when we got the drunchies at 1am. I still have leftovers.

So today I’m not feeling great. I’m not as hungover as I should be, but food has been somewhat repulsive to me. I threw together this veggie stir-fry, which actually ended up being vegan. What. The. Fuck. I want you all to know that I ate a BLT for lunch. Also, I didn’t even eat this stir-fry. I finished making it, took one bite, photographed it, and threw it in a container for lunch tomorrow.

After I’m done here, I’m going to eat a bowl of ice cream in my underwear, while watching The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. Then, I might do a little Yin with my cat.

I hope you’re all enjoying your Sunday as much as I am.

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Veggie Stir-Fry

1 sad scoop of leftover rice

1/4 onion, chopped

A handful of mushrooms (5-10ish button mushrooms), sliced

1/2 green bell pepper, chopped

A handful of spinach

Green onion

Soy sauce

Worcestershire Sauce (Which I just learned has fish in it, making this dish not vegan at all! Ha!)

Olive oil

Salt and pepper

Saute onion, mushrooms, and green pepper in olive oil over medium-high heat. Cook until mushrooms brown slightly. Add some salt and pepper. Throw in the rice, spinach, and a few dashes of soy and Worcestershire sauce. Stir everything together really well, adding more salt and pepper as needed. Once the spinach as wilted, and the rice is heated through, you’re done! Just scoop it into a bowl, and top with some chopped green onion. You could even make this into fried rice by adding a scrambled egg.

Pro tip: Reheat a scoop of this for breakfast, and add an over easy egg on top.