Mushroom Barley Soup and Matchbox 20

Apparently I’ve gotten to the age of going to concerts at casinos. Matchbox 20 and Counting Crows were at Treasure Island Casino last weekend. Hannah and I lost our damn minds. How is Rob Thomas still hot as fuuuuuuck?

I didn’t even know Matchbox 20 was still together. When I discovered they were going to be performing together, I was completely shocked. Thought maybe someone was fucking with me. Since Hannah and I bonded over our mutual love of them upon first meeting, we splurged for the $800 VIP tickets for the real fans that got to BE ON STAGE WITH THEM.

LOL JK

We paid $25 and stood in the grass behind all the real seats. BUT IT WAS STILL AMAZING.

As soon as the Counting Crows finished, it starting pouring rain. They told everyone to go inside the casino until the storm passed, but Hannah was like, “Fuck that shit. We’re staying.” We were already soaked, and decided it wasn’t worth the trouble to attempt to go inside with thousands of other people. Instead, we ended up joining forces with another 4 women that had commandeered a tarp they found on the ground. They welcomed us into their stolen shelter and offered us each half a beer (they had been knocked over and spilled much of their contents… but beggars can’t be choosers, right?). We squatted together in the dark, sipping our beers, and getting to know one another, as the lightning flashed outside. And by “outside,” I mean right over my ass, which was too big to make it fully inside the tarp. #bigbootyproblems

Once the rain let up, our new friends wandered off. Hannah had to go to the bathroom, so I saved our spot while Instagraming the video of us singing along to “Long December.” While figuring out my hashtags, I felt a poke in my side/belly. I looked up to see a man that had that used-to-be-a-jock-but-now-mostly-drinks-beer-and-watches-football look. You know what I’m talking about. He was poking me with his umbrella and saying, “Hey…. who are you texting?” I told him I was Instagraming, actually. Apparently he interpretted that as, “Why don’t you join me?” because suddenly he was right next to me, asking to be on my Instagram. I took a photo with him to both appease him and to be friendly. It has since been deleted. I asked his name and he jovially shouted, “I’m Tyler! Ty!” Great. He’s very excitable. Hannah came to my rescue moments later. After telling her that I met my new friend via “umbrella poke,” she exclaimed, “How phallic of you!” Poor Ty had a look of utter confusion on his face and stated that he didn’t speak French.

The man literally didn’t know the meaning of the word “phallic.” Is this real life?

It’s okay, buddy… you’re doing a great job. Just keep making inappropriate jokes and asking to be my boyfriend. That’s definitely how it works.

So, after we thoroughly explain the meaning of the word “phallic,” I asked him where his friends were, since I didn’t see him with anyone at the concert. He casually responded that his wife was “right over there.”

I’m sorry… what?

The wife eventually joined us. I looked at them both and asked her, “Did you know he was talking to me?” She said yes, and that it’s fine if he talks to other women. Then I asked the obvious question…. “Did you know your husband doesn’t know the meaning of the word phallic?” She also developed a look of confusion, and I felt happy knowing that two such people had been able to find each other in this big, crazy world.

After the vocab lesson, I asked the more pressing question, “Are you in an open relationship?” They both responded at the same time… he said yes, and she said no. Okay. Great. She goes on to explain that it’s healthier for them both to just be able to flirt with whoever they want, because otherwise people lie and it just ends in divorce. She explained that they’re open with each other about being attracted to other people. That’s the only part I understand about the whole thing. I then went on to ask them both, “What would have happened if I had been interested?” Ty chuckled as only a former jock can, and said, “Too bad for you!” His wife looked at me, rolled her eyes, and said, “Trust me, you don’t want him.” I was like, “Oh… I know.”

He then went on to say that he wasn’t hitting on me at all. Twenty year old Kelsey would have shrunk back, embarrassed at my assumption. How dare I think I am worthy of such a man’s time and attention? Gaslighting used to work so well on me. Thirty-two year old Kelsey responded with condescension, “Oh, honey…. yes you fucking were.” While the whole thing was funny/ridiculous, the idea of them going out and actively hitting on another person for pure sport really pisses me off. If I had been genuinely interested, his flippant attitude about leading me on would have really hurt my feelings. I understand their point about being able to flirt while in a healthy, monogamous relationship… but that doesn’t mean actively seeking someone out at a concert/bar/club. I was fully expecting him to ask for my phone number – it was a blatant come on, and that’s not okay if you’re not interested.

Let’s get one thing straight, though… I would absolutely never entertain the idea of dating someone that doesn’t know the meaning of the word phallic.

Hannah and I pretending to be emo as fuck in the rain.

Unrelated to anything in this post (per usual): I made this soup last week, after discovering a vegan crock pot cookbook at the library. It had the mushrooms measured out by ounces, but I didn’t know how to go about weighing shit in the bulk area at my co-op. It was supposed to be 5 ounces of shiitake mushrooms, and 4 ounces of button mushrooms. I made up my own measurements, as you’ll see in the recipe below. I honestly think it doesn’t fucking matter. Also, if you want to make this on the stove, just simmer it all until the barley is cooked through (I’d tell you how long, but I have no fucking idea because I never cook barley – good luck!).

If you noticed on my Instagram a few weeks ago, I went back to eating meat per my doctor’s suggestion. That lasted all of 4 days. Now I’m looking for ideas on how to cut back on dairy, and still get enough protein in without eating meat. Feel free to send me links to your favorite healthy vegetarian/vegan recipes.

Mushroom Barley Soup

2 1/2ish cups button mushrooms (measured while still whole)

2ish cups shiitake mushrooms (measured while still whole)

0.5oz dried porcini mushrooms

1 medium onion, diced

1 clove garlic, minced

6 cups veggie broth

1 cup boiling water

Salt and pepper

2/3 cup barley

Pour the porcini mushrooms into a small bowl and cover with boiling water. Let sit for 15 minutes. Drain mushrooms but save the mushroom water to add to the soup. Chop up the porcini mushrooms once they are re-hydrated. While they’re soaking, slice the rest of the mushrooms and saute with onions over medium-high heat in a little olive oil. Saute for a few minutes, then add the garlic and salt and pepper. Cook for another couple of minutes and scoop into a crock pot (you’ll have to do this in batches because the mushrooms won’t all fit in the same pan at once). While this makes for more work than your standard crock pot recipe, cooking the mushrooms first really adds a lot of flavor.

Throw all that shit into the crock pot and turn that shit on low. Leave it alone for 6-8 hours. Done. Boom. Fucking delicious vegan soup. Share it with your friends. Eat it by yourself in your underwear. Whatthefuckever.

Just don’t hit on someone unless you’re actually interested in them. Aka: Don’t be a shitty human.

P.S. This is what Rob Thomas looks like now:

You’re welcome.